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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #15 on: August 18, 2007, 08:25:47 AM » |
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you dear but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father no one will question you.”
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked : “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked again, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”
__________________
"U Don't Stop Laughing Cause U Grow Old, U Grow Old Because U Stop Laughing!" |
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2007, 07:07:02 PM » |
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A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light.
However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was.
When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved,
the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely,
"What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"
------------------------------
Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
=================
Today's Funny Quote:
Money is like manure, it should be spread around.
=================
Have a TERRIFIC day!
__________
LAUGHTER IS GREAT THERAPY!
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #17 on: August 25, 2007, 08:54:37 AM » |
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During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date— having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.”
What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.”
“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”
__________________
"U Don't Stop Laughing Cause U Grow Old, U Grow Old Because U Stop Laughing!"
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2007, 12:09:09 AM » |
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.”
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.” “Very good,” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this “Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.”
The teacher asked him why he thought feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’, but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.”
__________________
LIFE IS JUST FOR LIVIN' HAPPILY GET YO LAUGH ON!
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #19 on: August 29, 2007, 01:51:14 AM » |
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This story is about a little boy named Johnny . . .
You see, Johnny had a very foul mouth. One day the chain came off his bike and he was trying to put it back on next to the sidewalk in front of his house. His level of frustration was high and he was whipping out words that would make anyone cringe. Along came a preacher who became dismayed at little Johnny's vocabulary. He said to Johnny, "My son we should not cuss, God does not like that." Little Johnny said, "So what, God is not here right now so he cannot hear me." The preacher responded by letting Johnny know that God is everywhere and could hear him. Johnny looked at the preacher and asked, "God is everywhere?" The preacher told him, "yes". Little Johnny asked the preacher if God could hear him if he said bad words when he was in his bedroom with the door closed. The preacher responded, "yes Johnny he can hear you in your bedroom even with the door closed." Johnny then asked if God could hear him when he was in the basement of his home. The preacher responded, "yes Johnny he can hear you in your basement." The little boy then asked if God could hear him when he was on Tommy's porch. The preacher once again responded with a yes to his question. Little Johnny then looked at him and said, "You are such a liar, Tommy doesn't have a F---ing porch.
__________
YO! GET YO LAUGH ON!
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #20 on: August 30, 2007, 09:05:41 AM » |
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Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.
The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”
The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.
The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both beat! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?… Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. Mom now just has to name the verse the parrot recites it!”
Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.
“Andy” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house.”
“John” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.
“Mark” she wrote to her third son, You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!”
___________
LAUGHTER IS GREAT THERAPY GET YO LAUGH ON!
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #21 on: September 02, 2007, 08:48:00 AM » |
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
Today's Funny Quote:
Childhood is that wonderful time when all you need to do to
lose weight is take a bath.
-Richard Zera
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Have a TERRIFIC day! |
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #22 on: September 04, 2007, 05:06:13 PM » |
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There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. The priest says ok, do your sins, come back and I’ll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.
She said, “I had sex with a guy”.
The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did it.
The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.
She said, “I got in a fight with another nun”.
He says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did it.
The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing.
She said, “I pissed in the holy water!”
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GET YO LAUGH ON! |
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #23 on: September 07, 2007, 06:56:30 PM » |
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She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle .
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
________________
GET YO LAUGH ON! |
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #25 on: September 13, 2007, 07:11:57 AM » |
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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here-you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
______________
LIVE WELL LAUGH OFTEN!
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #26 on: September 14, 2007, 08:27:27 AM » |
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says: "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around."
_______________
GET YO LAUGH ON! LIVE WELL LAUGH OFTEN . . . YEA !!! |
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #27 on: September 16, 2007, 08:48:22 PM » |
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A Blonde decides to do something wild she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR.
To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen.
So she calls the video store to complain, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”
“Sorry about that,” replied the store clerk.
“We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”
The blonde replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”
===========
"It's great therapy to laugh."
"LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE"
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wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
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« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2007, 04:43:11 PM » |
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. The gate keeper came by and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the gate keeper told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and the gate keeper welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, the gate keeper asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Today's Funny Quote:
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
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LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL LIVE IT WELL LAUGH OFTEN!
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE GREAT THERAPY! |
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