|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
 |
« on: January 15, 2008, 05:11:53 PM » |
|
A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... bottles won't fit in the printer!!! March Got really excited.... I finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....lea rned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of: State of California is "C"..... October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2days....instructions said 1 hour per pound, I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911..."duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!! EXPOSURE
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"  "U Don't Stop Laughing Cause U Grow Old, U Grow Old Because U Stop Laughing!" ================= Have a TERRIFIC day!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2008, 12:58:09 AM » |
|
This is pretty good. A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.' Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.' The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE', how sweet the sound.' The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2008, 02:41:41 PM » |
|
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year-old ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But, as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2008, 08:50:33 PM » |
|
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2008, 06:11:04 PM » |
|
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logic al thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you! HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2008, 11:11:13 PM » |
|
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _____________ FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know - I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea - listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful - knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you ... as soon as I see who's at the door." ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _____________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I - let's have a beer." ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________ LITTLE OLD LADY A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ __________ OLD FRIENDS: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?" ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ______________ TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!! "U Don't Stop Laughing Cause U Grow Old, U Grow Old Because U Stop Laughing!"
GET YO LAUGH ON! ================= Have a TERRIFIC day!
|
|
|
|
« Last Edit: March 11, 2008, 11:26:18 PM by wildNwickedlysassyNsweet »
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2008, 09:15:52 PM » |
|
Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will please find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe$3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing howH.U.D. Pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer  "U Don't Stop Laughing Cause U Grow Old, U Grow Old Because U Stop Laughing!"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2008, 02:06:19 PM » |
|
New Thoughts From BlondesTwo Blondes With Hammers... Sue and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" ************************************************** Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter." **************************************************** A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger." *************************************************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours. ************************************************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first" *************************************************** A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! .I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied....... "Two popsicles and some coffee." *************************************************** AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work her usual shift. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2008, 02:21:34 PM » |
|
Thought everyone could use a good laugh!! Subject: Rebate ChecksThe federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, If we purchase a computer it will go to India, If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan, If we purchase useless junk, it will go to Taiwan................... .......... and NONE of it will help the American economy. The ONLY way to keep that money here at home in the USA, is to buy
prostitutes, beer and cigarettes, since these are the only products still
produced in the USA .Enjoy that thought . . .    |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2008, 08:21:59 PM » |
|
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”   |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
wildNwickedlysassyNsweet
|
|
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2008, 06:39:17 PM » |
|
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used tohave a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing
dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave
me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away myDingaling, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Forums